worst.divebuddy.ever.

today was my second day of great barrier reef diving, much like the first, get on a giant boat with 100 other people and spend an hour and a half getting to the site for 3 dives.  one difference was the ocean conditions, the wind was up and the swell was big and the boat was rocking and rolling and jumping and smashing down.  i estimated that over half the passengers were throwing up at some point, and some refused to leave the inside of the boat when the crew tried to get them outside and to the back.  one woman, sitting right up front near me barfed and cried the entire way with her eyes closed and no one could get her to move.  i figure if i could make it through those conditions and listen to people vomiting and smell it and still not get sick then i never will.  sweet.

our first task was to fill out the paperwork about experience and medical conditions and such, pretty normal.  all of the certified divers (again, about 20 of us) were grouped together at the start.  one english woman (with a horribly awful whiny accent) immediately had dozens of questions for the crew, one of the questions on the paper was 'have you ever dived in the ocean?'  and she flagged down a guy and asked 'which ocean? this ocean?  what if i've dived in a different ocean, does that count?  are the oceans the same?  i did dive one but maybe it doesn't count?'  she had endless questions about her basic paperwork and finally the guy just sat down when he realized he wasn't getting away from her any time soon.

i was sitting with a canadian woman (tamara) and we were practically rolling on the floor laughing at her.  

when we finally get to our dive site the divers get called to the back deck to gear up and my gear was set up next to the crazy woman's.  she had trouble with her regulator (not really) and called several crew over to look at it, they all said it was fine but finally she demanded that someone switch it out.  then we're seated, strapped into our gear and ready to go and the boat ran over and severed the mooring line, which means we have another 15 minutes to sit in full gear while they fix it.  so crazy woman starts making small talk with me, 'have you dived here before?' 

'yes' 

'is this ocean salty?'

'um, i think that's why they call it an ocean, there's salt'

'but is it really salty?'

'i don't know how to answer that'

'i'm asking because i'm really thirsty'

at that point i knew she was going to be assigned as my dive buddy, it was inevitable.

we were still waiting on the mooring and she asked if i would be her buddy so i told her that they assign them, we can't choose, i was still holding out hope of getting tamara who used to be a dive instructor.  no such luck, it was a group dive but i got her.

finally its time and we jump in, the first thing she does is swim over and grab my arm.  first dive hasn't even started yet and i'm completely annoyed at her.  i let her know that she is at no time welcome to touch me and i head down to the bottom.  in the minute it took to go down i received 6 ok signals from her.

i like to dive with a little space so if people are crowded around the guide i'll hang in back, or if people are off doing their own thing i'll go up front, just so long as i can see what i want to see and not bump into people.  crazy woman never got more than 2 feet away from me at any point, no matter how hard i tried to make some room she would swim right over and be touching me.  every time i looked to see what was touching me i'd see her flash an ok sign at me.  i wanted to give her the finger but thought that might be a bit too much.  she went so far as to swim up to my head and throw an ok sign in front of my mask, i wanted to turn off her tank.

i'm not a bad dive buddy but there's only so many times you need to check on your partner.  i was always aware of where she was (even when she wasn't touching me), i looked back a lot since she refused to go in front of me, she seemed fine.  in my opinion that's what is required of me.

there were a lot of cool things on the dive but my annoyance level was pretty high and i didn't enjoy it as much as i could have.  40 minutes of ok signals.

the dive ended and we're back on the boat with about 20 minutes until our second dive, and i'm again getting my gear ready as tanks are being refilled.  i only wore a skin suit for the first dive and was kinda cold so i grabbed a half wetsuit to throw on top.  crazy sat down next to me and started to lecture me on the proper way to be a good dive buddy, she didn't think i was doing my job.  'i'd appreciate it if you'd give me the ok sign more often when we're under water' (i had given her one the entire first dive).  i told her that i always knew where she was and she looked ok and that i didn't feel the need for constant ok signs.  'how do you know i'm ok if i don't give you an ok sign?'  well, you're swimming along normally and looking at stuff and look pretty ok so i don't really need to ask.  'but how will i know if you're ok if you don't tell me you're ok?'  well, if i'm swimming along normally and looking at stuff and i look ok then you should just assume that i'm ok.  'you need to give me more ok signs on the next dive, i need to know that you're ok'.  i had to turn and start talking to the woman on the other side of me because i was afraid i was going to hit her.

time for the second dive.  again i had a shadow throwing ok signs at me.  i refused to even give her one for the entire dive.  i get a little stubborn when i'm annoyed (which i'm sure you all know).  i looked back and saw my buddy several times, i did my job.  but i concentrated on the reef and the crazy things living down there and ignored her as much as possible.  squid, white tip reef sharks, turtles, rays, unicorn fish, another giant napoleon wrasse, huge grouper, completely excellent.  

we had about 7 minutes left to dive when i felt crazy grab my leg and pull me backwards.  that's fucking enough.  turned out her ear felt funny.  i don't give a shit.  so i got the guide's attention and signaled to him that my buddy was sick, then i swam away in hopes that he'd send her to the surface.  but she wasn't sick, and nothing was wrong with her ear so my shadow stayed (after i got several more ok signs).

lunch break was between the second and third dives and i made it pretty clear that she was not to speak to me again.

third dive was spectacular, i started off by getting attacked by a good sized trigger fish.  its mating season for them and they actually build nests so they defend them ferociously.  would have been nice if someone had told me there was a nest near the mooring of the third dive site, they dive there every day.  i was descending, minding my own business, and here comes this big fish with big teeth straight at me.  it was kinda funny more than scary because trigger fish are so cute but he wouldn't leave me alone.  i tried to swim away and he just kept nipping at me, i could see my dive buddy having a minor underwater heart attack from all the exertion of the ok signals she was throwing at me.  which i ignored.

most surprisingly on the third dive my crazy buddy left me alone.  i looked back for her here and there and she was several feet behind me and i had some space.  aaah.  and when we surfaced i never had to see her again.

bats in the park